thankful for a life.

As you can gather from my recent posts, the past few days have been pretty hard on me emotionally. I've really been struggling with the hurt. 

Tonight I watched the episode of Glee where they said goodbye to Finn. Before I share my thoughts, I want to share a memory. A flashback. 

It's July. A Sunday morning. I wake up to hear my mom tell me that Cory Monteith died. I did my research right away. He had been off of drugs but when old friends offered heroin to him that night, he gave in. Hours later he was gone. I remember driving in the car with John that day, listening to the songs Cory sang on glee, my eyes filling up with tears. It was so surreal to me, just like he was a friend. A few days after that, I remember telling John "it was cause he hung out with his old friends! He knew they were bad news! That's why I'm glad you don't hang out with your brothers anymore!"

How little did I know. I sat there mourning the death of someone I didn't know. Meanwhile my fiancé is addicted to the very drug that took his life. And that's exactly how John's story went. He was doing good. And then he hung out with his brothers and they bugged him to do drugs with them. And he gave in. It makes me sick to think about.

But this post is not meant to be sad. It's meant to rejoice. To thank my living God that John's life was not also taken. I honesty don't have words to say how grateful I am that he is still alive. There were so many moments when he could have and should have died. But he didn't. God was truly protecting him. 

Death is irreversible. It's permanent. A ruined wedding is not permanent. Broken trust is not permanent, if you allow it. John was given the opportunity to turn his life around. Cory wasn't so lucky. 

The whole entire time I was watching the show, I wanted so badly to hug John. To hold him so tightly and not let go. To treasure him-alive. To tell him how much I can't explain how thankful I am that he wasn't dead. Dead and in hell for eternity for that matter. 

I'm still unsure of what is all going to happen when John graduates from teen challenge. But either way, I am so thankful that this person I love dearly is still here. I don't have to sit here wishing I could bring him back. I don't have to cry over all of the could-have-beens. 

Lord, thank you for saving John's life. 

"God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. God, you pulled me out of the grave, gave me another chance at life when I was down-and-out." (Psalm 30:2, 3 MSG)

mad.

I want my posts to be honest. I don't want people to think that I'm some strong girl who has no problem at all dealing with my situation. So today I'm going to be honest about my emotions.

I'm mad. So mad. And yes, at John.

The past few days have had me thinking of the reality of what actually happened. It's as if John had two separate lives going on at once. And it makes me mad that he was such a good liar. 

When we were taking out engagement photos, he was on drugs.

On his birthday, when we rescued the kitten, he was on drugs.

When we came close to ending it, or at least taking a break from each other, every time he would promise me things would change and that he would do whatever he had to to be the man I need. He was on drugs all those times.

When I came back from Holland and he hugged me for a couple minutes straight from missing me so bad, he was on drugs.

When our goddaughter was born, he was on drugs. During her baby shower, he was doing drugs in the other room with his brothers.

When we were slipping away from God and started doing devotionals and reading the bible together, he was on drugs.

When we got the keys to our apartment and unpacked all of our stuff, he was on drugs.

 The day we signed our lease and had my bridal shower, he was on drugs.

When we went to the beach and walked the boardwalk, ate ice cream, and dreamed about how we'd be married in a month, he was on drugs.

When we kissed under the fireworks on 4th of July, he was on drugs.

There are so many special moments and memories that we shared. And a majority of them took place while he was addicted to drugs. He always talked about how much he loved me and that I was his world. And I believe I was. I mean, I posted pictures and text messages of it all. I don't believe he was lying about that. But what I can't fathom is how he was so stupid to fall back into that sin. Didn't he think about how it would affect me? There are just too many questions I have for him. Even when we found everything out and I asked him questions like this, he couldn't answer them. He didn't think when he did all of that stuff.

Ouch. The love of your life and you are so controlled by something that they don't even cross your mind?

I don't think it would hurt so much if we could just talk about it. If he could see how much it tears me up. If I could just get some closure about it all. But I can't. Not for 11 more months. So I'm left to try to process all of this alone.

I know that the Lord will heal all of this hurt. And John's hurt too. There is a deeper emotional reason for the things he did. God will heal it all. But I want so badly to go through the healing process together. With the one who was already supposed to be my husband for a month now.

Please pray that I won't let my heart become hard toward John. I don't think it will. And even if it does, it probly won't stay that way when I finally see him. He's just so lovable. But I do not want to sit around and be mad at him for a year. 

Thank you for your prayers.

a word (or a bunch of words) of thanks.

Today is my 20th birthday. And I wanted to take this time to tell everyone thank you.

No, not for the tons of happy birthday messages. But for the tons of heartfelt messages I've received over the past few weeks.

To state the obvious, these past couple of weeks have been hard. They've been hard on me, on my mom, my family, and I'm sure that they've been hard on John too. When I decided to share the whole story, I was not expecting so many people to respond to it, especially in the way that they did. I thought people would hear the story and pity me thinking "that poor girl, she is so stupid for ending up in that situation". I thought people who knew John would have an awful opinion of him, knowing how much he lied to everyone. The list goes on of what my imagination thought. 

But I was wrong. I received nothing but support and prayers. And through my willingness to open up and share, God started working in incredible ways.

So today, I want to say thank you.

To my mom for being there for me to lean on. For sleeping with me the first few nights because I didn't want to be alone. For being able to cry together. For not telling me "I told you so" which she had every right to do. I love you!

Thank you to my family for sticking by me and for your prayers. You've been there to offer advice, to invite me to hang out and do things to keep my mind off of the bad things, and to hug me when I needed it the most.

 To my best friends, Amy and Emmy. For being there every time even though our relationships have slacked off recently. For making me laugh and just having someone to talk to when I felt lonely. For being there to hear me be sad and to hear me burst at the seams with joy during other times.

To my church family for checking in on me. For sharing their hearts with me. For encouraging me. And for praying with me and for me. I am so thankful for a church that is like family.

To my coworkers for putting up with me calling out of work. For listening to all my drama. For making me laugh in a way only they can. And for never telling me to shut up cause all they hear about is John. I love my team.

To my TeenPact friends. The ones who are my best friends, the ones I've talked to a few times, and the ones I've technically never even met. Your heartfelt words touched me. And I was so comforted by all of you taking time to share your thoughts, encouragement, and your own stories of hard times. You have told me you were praying for things that I didn't even think of. And you've encouraged me by sharing how my story is encouraging you. I can always count on my TeenPacters! Allison Kelly Peanut Butter and Jelly loves you all. :)

To the Heejunies (fans of Heejun) who only know me through my mom and her many tweets to Heejun. You've been praying and sharing Bible verses and words of encouragement to someone you don't even know and that is incredible. I hope to be able to meet you someday and if not, we will meet in heaven someday. That is so awesome.

To everyone we met on our missions trip to Holland, thank you for your prayers. It is so incredible to know there are people literally across the world keeping us in prayer and thinking of us. You are all so sweet and I am so glad God allowed us to meet. Ik ben zo dankbaar voor u! Heel hartelijk bedankt. :)

To my family, best friends, my church, coworkers, TeenPacters, heejunies, family friends, old friends, acquaintances, and friends and family of people we know, and anyone else I may have forgotten:

Your prayers have been felt. I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I am definitely blessed. 

I can't wait to see what the Lord does in this situation. And I can't wait for you all to see it too.

Thank you.

impatience.

I have NEVER been a patient person. 

I get excited about things easily and the time ticking down until them seems like an eternity, however long or short the length of time. 

I've always prayed for patience. Honesty time: I don't care to be a patient person, I just hate the waiting. So basically I've just prayed to not dread the waiting period. 

It's been said that if you ask God for patience, He won't give you patience - He will give you opportunities to grow that patience. 

My, how I regret those prayers for patience. 

Well, God saw fit to give me a whole year to practice this patience that I wanted to have - when my wedding got postponed and my fiancé admitted his addiction to drugs and then entered teen challenge. God has a sense of humor. 

I just get sooo impatient thinking about this next year. I know God will do incredible things beyond what I could even imagine. I know God is going to change John completely. I know God will change me completely through this. 

Relationships will be restored. Hearts will be healed. Forgiveness will be given. Dreams and plans will come about. Many, many changes to come. And they're all good. So good, it's killing me to know it'll be a year for those to come to completion. I just wish it was next year already so I could see the fruit of what God is doing! It's killing me to wait. 

A friend of mine posted this verse on Facebook today and I saw it right after I was talking to God about this whole patience thing. 

"Better is the end of a thing than the beginning of it, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit." (Ecclesiastes 7:8 AMP)

I know that the end of this story will be better than the beginning of it. And during this story, with the grace of God, I will become patient in spirit. That is my prayer.