mad.

I want my posts to be honest. I don't want people to think that I'm some strong girl who has no problem at all dealing with my situation. So today I'm going to be honest about my emotions.

I'm mad. So mad. And yes, at John.

The past few days have had me thinking of the reality of what actually happened. It's as if John had two separate lives going on at once. And it makes me mad that he was such a good liar. 

When we were taking out engagement photos, he was on drugs.

On his birthday, when we rescued the kitten, he was on drugs.

When we came close to ending it, or at least taking a break from each other, every time he would promise me things would change and that he would do whatever he had to to be the man I need. He was on drugs all those times.

When I came back from Holland and he hugged me for a couple minutes straight from missing me so bad, he was on drugs.

When our goddaughter was born, he was on drugs. During her baby shower, he was doing drugs in the other room with his brothers.

When we were slipping away from God and started doing devotionals and reading the bible together, he was on drugs.

When we got the keys to our apartment and unpacked all of our stuff, he was on drugs.

 The day we signed our lease and had my bridal shower, he was on drugs.

When we went to the beach and walked the boardwalk, ate ice cream, and dreamed about how we'd be married in a month, he was on drugs.

When we kissed under the fireworks on 4th of July, he was on drugs.

There are so many special moments and memories that we shared. And a majority of them took place while he was addicted to drugs. He always talked about how much he loved me and that I was his world. And I believe I was. I mean, I posted pictures and text messages of it all. I don't believe he was lying about that. But what I can't fathom is how he was so stupid to fall back into that sin. Didn't he think about how it would affect me? There are just too many questions I have for him. Even when we found everything out and I asked him questions like this, he couldn't answer them. He didn't think when he did all of that stuff.

Ouch. The love of your life and you are so controlled by something that they don't even cross your mind?

I don't think it would hurt so much if we could just talk about it. If he could see how much it tears me up. If I could just get some closure about it all. But I can't. Not for 11 more months. So I'm left to try to process all of this alone.

I know that the Lord will heal all of this hurt. And John's hurt too. There is a deeper emotional reason for the things he did. God will heal it all. But I want so badly to go through the healing process together. With the one who was already supposed to be my husband for a month now.

Please pray that I won't let my heart become hard toward John. I don't think it will. And even if it does, it probly won't stay that way when I finally see him. He's just so lovable. But I do not want to sit around and be mad at him for a year. 

Thank you for your prayers.