what i'd say.

The most difficult part of John being in Teen Challenge is not being able to talk. No communication at all other than relayed "love you" messages.

It's especially hard due to the fact that before he went in, we decided we weren't going to plan on being together afterward. If it happened, cool. But we weren't making it a definite thing. I didn't know how everything would pan out. Would he even change? And how could I ever get around to trusting even the little things? There were so many factors.

Since then, I've been seeking what God has for our relationship. Hearing updates on him and how much and how fast he's changing has changed my thought process. God clearly spoke to me last year and told me we were supposed to be with each other. And I believe that God's plan doesn't change just because the devil thinks he can interfere. ["As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good..." Genesis 50:20] As you all know, I was able to get a letter from John a little while ago. He was able to tell me what his outlook was on what would happen in our relationship. I think he put it best when he said "I truly believe that we are meant to be together and until God tells me otherwise, I'm going to keep believing that." Honestly, that is the same thought I had. But here's the catch-John doesn't know that. He doesn't know that God is speaking the same thing to both of us. For all I know, John is still worried I don't want to be with him after all he did. I wish that I could write him and tell him my view of things. But I can't.

There's a song that I heard recently. It's as if it was written specifically for my circumstance. The lyrics perfectly encapsulate all the things- every single thought- I would tell John if I could. This song is my letter to John that I am not allowed to write:

Don't believe, the bridge from you to me, could somehow ever be, washed away.
Don't give in, don't start listening, to voices whispering, things I'd never say.
There is nothing you could do to make me turn my back on you.

You're never too lost to know where the road is, it could be dark, you could be hopeless but
I'll wait 'til you find your way.
You're never too far to be forgotten, here in my heart, I hear you calling so
I'll wait 'til you find your way back home.

The hardest thing, is to just sit waiting, my heart breaking for you.
There's an empty space, where I save your place, knowing that someday, I'll look at you.

You're never too lost to know where the road is, it could be dark, you could be hopeless but

I'll wait 'til you find your way.

You're never too far to be forgotten, here in my heart, I hear you calling so

I'll wait 'til you find your way back home.

And my heart's still hoping, and my arms wide open, I'll never give up this fight.

I know we'll talk like we used to, and we'll walk like we used to, it's just a matter of time.

There is nothing you could do to make me turn my back on you.

Excerpts.

This past weekend was filled with unexpected excitement. My aunt and uncle received a letter from John to give to me. I did not see this coming and it wasn't even something I had been hoping for because the rules are that girlfriends and fiancés aren't allowed to write letters or have any contact for the whole year. Turns out somehow john got special permission to write me. And as the letter is mostly filled with updates, I wanted to share it with you. You who have been praying and joining us in our journey. 

-One thing I noticed right off the bat is that he refers to the other guys in the program as his brothers.

"The guys have been really nice to me here. They took me in like brothers." 

"I have had times where all I can do is cry but I pull myself out of that and my brothers help me with that."

This especially means a lot to me cause he is very close with his biological brothers, so much so that when the pressured him to do drugs, he caved. So the very fact that he calls his fellow teen challenge guys brothers multiple times fills me with joy. That he has found that brotherly relationship, but with Christ like men. He told me they are showing him how to love like Christ and how to walk like Jesus did. He also mentioned a lot that the Holy Spirit is so strong there and that he's relying on God minute by minute. 

-So far during this time I have really been seeking what The Lord has for me and John. Do we stay together? Do we just be friends? I don't want to do the wrong this this time. I know for a fact that God spoke to me and told me we were supposed to be with each other last year. But did we ruin that plan when we strayed off course? And then I read this part of the letter, which made so much sense to me. 

"I'm really praying that God shows me what he has in store for me and you and where we are going to go in our lives. But I truly believe that we are meant to be with each other and until God tells me otherwise then I'm going to keep believing that with all me heart. And me being in here can only help us."

-Last week I was struggling a lot with dwelling on the hurt and the betrayal. It was like as hard as I tried I couldn't think about anything else. All that prompted me to think that John never apologized. I know he did once or twice when we first found everything out, but it was more of an apology cause he didn't like that he upset me. He apologized a few times in the letter but this is my favorite. 

"I want you to be happy and I hope you can be with everything that happened. I should have came out with everything and just told you. I mean, my best friend and I could not be honest with you. I am so sorry Allison. I really do mean that with all my heart. I just wish I could show you somehow but I can't when I'm in here away from you."

-I have constantly wondered what John thinks about our relationship. Is he ok with letting me go if that's where God leads? I honestly have been thinking that he's never going to let go of me if it came to it. 

"I just know everything is going to be okay with us, that's either way if we're together or not. But if The Lord works it out that we are together than our relationship will be strong because God will be first. I love you Allison and even if I'm not with you I will always love you. No matter what. And I should've shown you that love better. I should have shown you love like Christ but I didn't."

I can feel it now. I know that he gets it. Like it finally clicked to him. He knows better now. He knows what and what not to do this next time around assuming there is one. He also said that he prays for me every day out here. That caught me off guard. I didn't think it would cross his mind to pray for me and all the things that I'm dealing with. But I should've known he would. Even with all the bad things he did, he is a thoughtful sweetheart to his core. 

He ends the letter by saying:

"I don't know when I'll see you again but hey you know what I keep telling myself? If we can go this long then you know our love is real. Look at The Notebook, they went years without seeing each other. :) I love you Allison. Keep pushing into God."

-We always said our relationship was like The Notebook. We fought all the time but despite that we were crazy about each other. Just like Noah and Allie. We told each other that if we ever broke up and got together with other people we would still wind up being with each other in the end. Maybe that's true. Either way I think it's super adorable that he referenced that movie. 

So there you have it folks. Thank you for your prayers. I hope you can tell from the excerpts that he is already changing so much just after one month. Imagine the change after one year! It's so gonna be worth the wait. 

I've read this letter many times already since I got it. And over and over one thing keeps coming to my mind. "He's back. He's come home." He strayed far off course and was blinded by his sin. But he is back in God's arms now. I can tell just from one letter that he is the John I first fell in love with. The one who encouraged me in The Lord. The one who was bursting at the seams with the joy of The Lord and what he was doing in his life. 

He's back. 

thankful for a life.

As you can gather from my recent posts, the past few days have been pretty hard on me emotionally. I've really been struggling with the hurt. 

Tonight I watched the episode of Glee where they said goodbye to Finn. Before I share my thoughts, I want to share a memory. A flashback. 

It's July. A Sunday morning. I wake up to hear my mom tell me that Cory Monteith died. I did my research right away. He had been off of drugs but when old friends offered heroin to him that night, he gave in. Hours later he was gone. I remember driving in the car with John that day, listening to the songs Cory sang on glee, my eyes filling up with tears. It was so surreal to me, just like he was a friend. A few days after that, I remember telling John "it was cause he hung out with his old friends! He knew they were bad news! That's why I'm glad you don't hang out with your brothers anymore!"

How little did I know. I sat there mourning the death of someone I didn't know. Meanwhile my fiancé is addicted to the very drug that took his life. And that's exactly how John's story went. He was doing good. And then he hung out with his brothers and they bugged him to do drugs with them. And he gave in. It makes me sick to think about.

But this post is not meant to be sad. It's meant to rejoice. To thank my living God that John's life was not also taken. I honesty don't have words to say how grateful I am that he is still alive. There were so many moments when he could have and should have died. But he didn't. God was truly protecting him. 

Death is irreversible. It's permanent. A ruined wedding is not permanent. Broken trust is not permanent, if you allow it. John was given the opportunity to turn his life around. Cory wasn't so lucky. 

The whole entire time I was watching the show, I wanted so badly to hug John. To hold him so tightly and not let go. To treasure him-alive. To tell him how much I can't explain how thankful I am that he wasn't dead. Dead and in hell for eternity for that matter. 

I'm still unsure of what is all going to happen when John graduates from teen challenge. But either way, I am so thankful that this person I love dearly is still here. I don't have to sit here wishing I could bring him back. I don't have to cry over all of the could-have-beens. 

Lord, thank you for saving John's life. 

"God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. God, you pulled me out of the grave, gave me another chance at life when I was down-and-out." (Psalm 30:2, 3 MSG)

mad.

I want my posts to be honest. I don't want people to think that I'm some strong girl who has no problem at all dealing with my situation. So today I'm going to be honest about my emotions.

I'm mad. So mad. And yes, at John.

The past few days have had me thinking of the reality of what actually happened. It's as if John had two separate lives going on at once. And it makes me mad that he was such a good liar. 

When we were taking out engagement photos, he was on drugs.

On his birthday, when we rescued the kitten, he was on drugs.

When we came close to ending it, or at least taking a break from each other, every time he would promise me things would change and that he would do whatever he had to to be the man I need. He was on drugs all those times.

When I came back from Holland and he hugged me for a couple minutes straight from missing me so bad, he was on drugs.

When our goddaughter was born, he was on drugs. During her baby shower, he was doing drugs in the other room with his brothers.

When we were slipping away from God and started doing devotionals and reading the bible together, he was on drugs.

When we got the keys to our apartment and unpacked all of our stuff, he was on drugs.

 The day we signed our lease and had my bridal shower, he was on drugs.

When we went to the beach and walked the boardwalk, ate ice cream, and dreamed about how we'd be married in a month, he was on drugs.

When we kissed under the fireworks on 4th of July, he was on drugs.

There are so many special moments and memories that we shared. And a majority of them took place while he was addicted to drugs. He always talked about how much he loved me and that I was his world. And I believe I was. I mean, I posted pictures and text messages of it all. I don't believe he was lying about that. But what I can't fathom is how he was so stupid to fall back into that sin. Didn't he think about how it would affect me? There are just too many questions I have for him. Even when we found everything out and I asked him questions like this, he couldn't answer them. He didn't think when he did all of that stuff.

Ouch. The love of your life and you are so controlled by something that they don't even cross your mind?

I don't think it would hurt so much if we could just talk about it. If he could see how much it tears me up. If I could just get some closure about it all. But I can't. Not for 11 more months. So I'm left to try to process all of this alone.

I know that the Lord will heal all of this hurt. And John's hurt too. There is a deeper emotional reason for the things he did. God will heal it all. But I want so badly to go through the healing process together. With the one who was already supposed to be my husband for a month now.

Please pray that I won't let my heart become hard toward John. I don't think it will. And even if it does, it probly won't stay that way when I finally see him. He's just so lovable. But I do not want to sit around and be mad at him for a year. 

Thank you for your prayers.

a word (or a bunch of words) of thanks.

Today is my 20th birthday. And I wanted to take this time to tell everyone thank you.

No, not for the tons of happy birthday messages. But for the tons of heartfelt messages I've received over the past few weeks.

To state the obvious, these past couple of weeks have been hard. They've been hard on me, on my mom, my family, and I'm sure that they've been hard on John too. When I decided to share the whole story, I was not expecting so many people to respond to it, especially in the way that they did. I thought people would hear the story and pity me thinking "that poor girl, she is so stupid for ending up in that situation". I thought people who knew John would have an awful opinion of him, knowing how much he lied to everyone. The list goes on of what my imagination thought. 

But I was wrong. I received nothing but support and prayers. And through my willingness to open up and share, God started working in incredible ways.

So today, I want to say thank you.

To my mom for being there for me to lean on. For sleeping with me the first few nights because I didn't want to be alone. For being able to cry together. For not telling me "I told you so" which she had every right to do. I love you!

Thank you to my family for sticking by me and for your prayers. You've been there to offer advice, to invite me to hang out and do things to keep my mind off of the bad things, and to hug me when I needed it the most.

 To my best friends, Amy and Emmy. For being there every time even though our relationships have slacked off recently. For making me laugh and just having someone to talk to when I felt lonely. For being there to hear me be sad and to hear me burst at the seams with joy during other times.

To my church family for checking in on me. For sharing their hearts with me. For encouraging me. And for praying with me and for me. I am so thankful for a church that is like family.

To my coworkers for putting up with me calling out of work. For listening to all my drama. For making me laugh in a way only they can. And for never telling me to shut up cause all they hear about is John. I love my team.

To my TeenPact friends. The ones who are my best friends, the ones I've talked to a few times, and the ones I've technically never even met. Your heartfelt words touched me. And I was so comforted by all of you taking time to share your thoughts, encouragement, and your own stories of hard times. You have told me you were praying for things that I didn't even think of. And you've encouraged me by sharing how my story is encouraging you. I can always count on my TeenPacters! Allison Kelly Peanut Butter and Jelly loves you all. :)

To the Heejunies (fans of Heejun) who only know me through my mom and her many tweets to Heejun. You've been praying and sharing Bible verses and words of encouragement to someone you don't even know and that is incredible. I hope to be able to meet you someday and if not, we will meet in heaven someday. That is so awesome.

To everyone we met on our missions trip to Holland, thank you for your prayers. It is so incredible to know there are people literally across the world keeping us in prayer and thinking of us. You are all so sweet and I am so glad God allowed us to meet. Ik ben zo dankbaar voor u! Heel hartelijk bedankt. :)

To my family, best friends, my church, coworkers, TeenPacters, heejunies, family friends, old friends, acquaintances, and friends and family of people we know, and anyone else I may have forgotten:

Your prayers have been felt. I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I am definitely blessed. 

I can't wait to see what the Lord does in this situation. And I can't wait for you all to see it too.

Thank you.