what i'd say.

The most difficult part of John being in Teen Challenge is not being able to talk. No communication at all other than relayed "love you" messages.

It's especially hard due to the fact that before he went in, we decided we weren't going to plan on being together afterward. If it happened, cool. But we weren't making it a definite thing. I didn't know how everything would pan out. Would he even change? And how could I ever get around to trusting even the little things? There were so many factors.

Since then, I've been seeking what God has for our relationship. Hearing updates on him and how much and how fast he's changing has changed my thought process. God clearly spoke to me last year and told me we were supposed to be with each other. And I believe that God's plan doesn't change just because the devil thinks he can interfere. ["As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good..." Genesis 50:20] As you all know, I was able to get a letter from John a little while ago. He was able to tell me what his outlook was on what would happen in our relationship. I think he put it best when he said "I truly believe that we are meant to be together and until God tells me otherwise, I'm going to keep believing that." Honestly, that is the same thought I had. But here's the catch-John doesn't know that. He doesn't know that God is speaking the same thing to both of us. For all I know, John is still worried I don't want to be with him after all he did. I wish that I could write him and tell him my view of things. But I can't.

There's a song that I heard recently. It's as if it was written specifically for my circumstance. The lyrics perfectly encapsulate all the things- every single thought- I would tell John if I could. This song is my letter to John that I am not allowed to write:

Don't believe, the bridge from you to me, could somehow ever be, washed away.
Don't give in, don't start listening, to voices whispering, things I'd never say.
There is nothing you could do to make me turn my back on you.

You're never too lost to know where the road is, it could be dark, you could be hopeless but
I'll wait 'til you find your way.
You're never too far to be forgotten, here in my heart, I hear you calling so
I'll wait 'til you find your way back home.

The hardest thing, is to just sit waiting, my heart breaking for you.
There's an empty space, where I save your place, knowing that someday, I'll look at you.

You're never too lost to know where the road is, it could be dark, you could be hopeless but

I'll wait 'til you find your way.

You're never too far to be forgotten, here in my heart, I hear you calling so

I'll wait 'til you find your way back home.

And my heart's still hoping, and my arms wide open, I'll never give up this fight.

I know we'll talk like we used to, and we'll walk like we used to, it's just a matter of time.

There is nothing you could do to make me turn my back on you.