the smile that answered everything.

This is a long introduction, but it's necessary to make my point. 

My favorite thing about John is his smile. The look of his face when he does that little giggle of his gets me every time. 

But the thing about John is that he does not smile naturally in pictures. Ask anyone who knows him. We have to retake almost every picture because the first time, to be honest, he looks like he's pooping. 

When he first got saved and moved in with my aunt and uncle, there were a couple pictures taken of him where he had this radiant smile. I'm guessing it's from the joy of his life being dramatically changed. So when I first met John, he had a buzz cut and smiled in pictures. 

Somewhere along the line of our relationship and his job and just life as it went on, he became incapable of giving a real smile in pictures. I will never understand that. My mom took a photo op almost every moment of my life so I can't wrap my mind around people who can't smile naturally in pictures. (My apologies if that offends you). 

When I got home from church this Sunday, I was miserable. Not your usual reaction to church right? Well it's been a year since I've been at church without John there. It was lonely. I missed him bad. I sat on my couch without the will or energy to do anything except feel miserable. I talked to God: "I feel horrible and like this won't ever end. You have to send me some encouragement or peace or anything to make this feeling stop."

Not even five minutes later, my phone went off. I opened it up to a picture of John. You may be thinking "whoop de do". But here's the thing - in this picture, John was smiling. Not a laugh-smile that comes from you trying to get him to smile. Not that poop face smile. A natural smile. And his hair had been cut to a buzz cut. 

I was looking at the old John. The one I first fell in love with. The one with a contagious joy. I felt it just from seeing that picture of him. John was back. I got teary eyed and would have actually cried but I was to busy screaming for my mom to come look. 

This past week was torture. It was filled with not knowing. Not knowing what he was thinking, what he was struggling with. Wondering if he was changing or opening his heart. I didn't know if he was miserable from missing me. Fear and anxiety took me over. 

So many questions went unanswered. But that simple smile told me everything I needed to know. That picture, it was worth so much more than a thousand words. 

(Psalm 43:5 MSG)- ... He puts a smile on my face, he's my God.

Thank you, Lord for putting that smile on his face! And thank you, Lord for hearing my prayer!

"You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I’m about to burst with song; I can’t keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can’t thank you enough." (Psalm 30:11,12 MSG)

for those who have been asking...

This may come as a shock to you but not as much as it was to me. 

We found out last week that John has been addicted to drugs since may. If you know his story, you know that he was addicted to them before he got saved. A few months after he got saved he started seeing his family more (his brothers are on drugs) and a few more months after that they kept bugging him to do it with them and he just wasn't strong enough to say no. His mom even knew about his problem and even covered for him and gave him more money when he was low  and said that he lent her money for rent. For almost all of our engagement he has been on drugs and lying about so many things. He thought it was something he could over come on his own. At church you could tell his sincerity but I had no idea of the battle he was fighting. I don't know exactly what it was that made him come clean. It might have been the fact that we caught on to a few of his lies and he knew he couldn't cover them anymore. But he desperately wanted help and he has gone into teen challenge, a year long Christian rehab. (We are not allowed to share which location has been sent to.) During this time he can only have contact with immediate family and since his family is all on drugs, my uncle mark and aunt christine will take their place since he has been living with them for the past year. 

Since we are only engaged and not married, I can have no contact with him for a year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. The only way of contact is by my aunt and uncle relaying messages and even that is limited. That is where I need the most prayer. To have patience. To not become bitter.  To trust that God will truly change him and not allow john to turn back to that life again. To decide whether or not we should even still stay together (we have known each other just under a year and he will be gone for a year). To not miss his so much every day. To be able to trust again (whether it be him or a different relationship).

On top of all this, we need someone to take over our apartment lease so we don't get evicted and owe a TON of money that we do not have. Please pray that I will have peace. 

I am just a whirlwind of emotion. One minute I am at peace, the next feeling like I can't breathe from all this anxiety. I was and am completely blown away by how many of you have said you were praying for me and sent me encouraging messages and texts. There is no way to express how much that means to me. I bet you didn't know just how horrible this situation was did you? Haha. (I have learned to laugh at the situation at times because it's just so pitiful)

I believe that God is working in unexpected ways in this situation. And not just for me and John but for my family and other people involved. We all love john very much and though he has made countless terrible decisions, we know that the devil had been controlling him in his addiction. I am so grateful to my lord for working in his life even when he was on the drugs. He could have over dosed, got in a car accident, or a deal could have gone bad. I know my God has incredible plans for John, whether it be with or without me (even though I'm reaaaaaally hoping it's with me). 

This week, I read the book "You'll Get Through This" by Max Lucado. It looks into the story of Joseph. It has helped me tremendously this past week. When Joseph says "you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good", the word used for "meant" is a word that means "to weave". Satan weaves, God reweaves. I'm resting in that. 

What satan intended for evil, God intends for good. 

bragging.

just thought i'd take a few moments to tell you about a guy named john.

i met john in october. 

well technically, we met back in 2007, but it was just once and he doesn't remember it at all.

eventually we started to like each other. it was inevitable. everyone knew we were gonna end up together.

it was like this: i liked him. he liked me. he didn't know i liked him. i wasn't positive he liked me. but i just had the feeling that we were gonna get together at some point. he thought i had no idea he liked me. i thought he knew i liked him because to everyone else on earth, it was obvious.

one day i had a birthday party. after opening up my gifts, john put his arm around me and walked me over to the corner. 

here's a glimpse of my stomach and brain at this point:

ADHJFNA;SHIRUHAWNFHAOUGHH;OSEYH;F;AHIGHA;OHW;RYU92YOYHOHAL

P.S. here's us at the party:

he said he had a gift for me but it was somewhere else. he told me a riddle and i had to solve it to figure out where my gift was. after some questions i found out my gift was on my bed at my house. so for the next two hours of my birthday party, i cared about nothing else than hopping in my car and getting my butt home. and when i finally did, this was waiting for me. 

those flowers are gerber daisies. which in an earlier conversation i mentioned were my favorite. it had a card that said *front* "on your birthday i'd like to give you the world..." *inside* "...but my heart will have to do." he also wrote some adorable stuff inside that made me smile for days.

from there, we got serious about getting to know each other with the intention of dating sometime soon. there was a lot of teasing, wrestling, and long talks. there was also a love letter. i've never gotten one of those before. :) i won't can't tell you what it said because someone (john) doesn't want me telling everyone.

so i'm all like "this guy wins the award for being the most adorable, sweetest, thoughtful boy to ever walk the face of this earth."

after about a month, i knew it was coming. he was gonna ask me to be his girlfriend. but when? it made me 20 times more nervous to be around him cause it could happen at any moment.

well, good things happen when you least expect them right? right.

so december 9th, after prayer group at our church on sunday night, in the middle of mcdonald's in delmar, delaware (we were sitting in the literal middle of mcdonald's), john asked me to be his girl. and it was one of the funniest, most memorable moments of my life.

he said he wanted to wait until we took the trip to spruce lake, but he couldn't wait. and i didn't care. 

excited, i called my mom to tell her since she always wants to talk. 

no answer.

"i'll text emmy, she's always on her phone" no reply.

"ok, christa will be so excited for me" no answer.

"i have to tell amy" no answer.

i would like to thank my cousin christina for being the only person to answer their phone when something good happens to me.

since then, life's been as jolly as jolly can get.

and everyday he gets sweeter and romantic-er. (no, i don't care that romantic-er is not a word)

for christmas he got me a pair of gorgeous earrings and a quaint little book with little diary entries, song lyrics, and letters he'd written since the day he asked me to be his.

somedays it feels like i'm living in a movie. sort of like a nicholas sparks one, minus someone dying. how'd i get so blessed? i can't even tell you how much joy he brings me. it blows my mind that a person as beautiful as him wants to be with me. like seriously, the boy looks at me like the sun shines out of my bum and i can't fathom why. so, to all the boys who led me on and the ones who broke my heart, thank you from the bottom of my heart. cause if we were still together, i would have never known what it feels like to be treated like a girl should, like a princess. i would have never had the absolute pleasure of knowing johnathan matthew shaver.

i just had to write this and brag on him. i'm the luckiest girl in the world. and he's the cutest thing ever. and to toot my own horn, i think we are freaking adorable together. 

"you're more than a lover, there could never be another, to make me feel the way you do. and ohhh we just get closer, i fall in love all over, every time i look at you. i don't know where i'd be, without you here with me. life with you makes perfect sense, you're my best friend."

to do list: 2013 edition

if you know me at all, you know i'm a list maker.

my life feels dull when i don't make lists.

i think the whole idea of "new years resolutions" is rather cliche. and i'm not a fan of cliche. but since i fancy list-making, i put down on paper some goals and adventures i'm hoping to take part in over this next year of life.

*dye my hair ombre.

exactly like this ^

*visit my best friend, Emmy who lives in New Hampshire and Massachusetts (yes, both), because she goes on millions of adventures.

like alice in wonderland themed photo shoots^

and she has whimsical places like this^

*road trip to Richmond, VA with this gorgeous boy:

to see my TeenPact friends and go to Busch Gardens

*start a fashion blog. i'm now accepting name suggestions. (hint hint i'm desperate seriously help me)

*start exercising. 

i want abs.

i also want to be able to fight back when john and i play wrestle. currently, he just grabs my hands and holds me there and i can't get out of it, leaving me helpless.

like this^

*get serious about selling Mary Kay makeup. 

i'm officially a beauty consultant, so if you need makeup, i'm your girl.

*pay cash for more, instead of using my debit card.

*grow my photography business.

*blog at least once a month.

even if the post is two sentences. not posting will not do.

*start saving money.

for traveling and...other things.

*learn how to cook.

when i eventually get married, i'll have to cook dinner. and the proverbs 31 woman does her husband good all the days of her life. so in short, by learning to cook, i'm doing my husband good.

*get a new camera lens: nikkor 24-85mm f/2.8

friends and family: keep me accountable, cause i am serious about doing every single one of these.