1/4.

Hey guys! I'm back from vacation so I can post another update on John. For those of you interested in hearing about vacation, keep an eye out on my mom's facebook page. She will be posting the 43,000 pictures she took soon. But, to the update...

Yesterday was a very exciting day. It was December 16th, which marks John's 3rd month in Teen Challenge! I cannot believe it has been that long already. He's already 1/4 of the way through. Something to celebrate. And, since we can see each other at his 6th month mark, I view it as halfway through. I will see him in 3 months! The thing that makes me laugh is that when I went to Holland for 12 days, John acted like he was dying. That felt like an eternity being away from each other. HAHAHA. Little did we know.

Hahahahaha.

Oh, and my apologies in advance for hogging John on his 6th month break. Like seriously I probably won't even let him alone to go to the bathroom. That was a joke. But I wouldn't put it past myself to wait outside the door and talk to him the whole time. We have a lot of catching up to do in one weekend. So if you don't see him or talk to him, sorry not sorry. And I mean that in the most loving way.

I want to take a moment and share how thankful I am for each of you who follow this journey. There are so many people giving encouraging words and praying for us, and a lot of you are people that I don't even personally know. It's incredible how God works. The funny thing is that John doesn't even know that there are all of these people so involved and caring about our lives. I don't think he realizes the amount of people who read my blog and send me messages, etc. When he is able to, I will show him all of your messages, comments, cards, and texts.

There have been a few times recently when things have felt almost unbearable. Something will happen with John that makes me upset. Nothing major but when you combine it with us not seeing each other for 3 months and still not being able to talk, and with still processing it all, it just makes some days hard.

For example, we found out about something he lied about even before he was on drugs. That made me question even more if I can trust him again. And I couldn't talk to him about it either. Thank God for my mom and that we are so alike. She was able to discuss it with him and ask him the questions I would have asked. He was truthful about all of it and it was a huge relief.

Or, he will get written up for something stupid, like wearing a white t shirt out in public (for some reason that is against the rules), and I will get frustrated that he's not taking anything seriously.

A friend of mine posted a song on facebook right around the time of all of that. It's called If You Fall by JJ Heller. Here are my favorite parts.

You are a house that's broken down

You are a house that's burning

And everything in me wants to run

But that's not love

When I am tempted to give up

I choose love

There are a million times I want to give up and leave John with the mess he made. When I don't want to go through the hard parts, when I don't want to go through the process with him. But I remind myself when I am tempted to give up, I choose love. And it's not easy to do. A lot of the time I'm glad I can't see him cause all I would do is yell at him. But that's not love. I wrote those lyrics on my memo board as a constant reminder.

One last thing. I would like to ask you all to pray for John. Last week was really rough for him. He was getting sick and felt awful and that led to him being in a bad mood all week. He barely talked to my mom when she visited him Sunday and he refused to look at any pictures of me from vacation because it would make him even more sad and he would want to leave. It's very hard on me as well because I am totally helpless. Please pray with me that he gets out of this little slump so he can go back to being himself.

One for the road.

Hey hey. Our family leaves for the long-awaited Disney cruise on Friday!! Woohoo! And in reality, I owe it all to John. My parents felt that I had a hard year and finally gave in to my years of asking. Thus, I want to leave you all with one big update to hold you over until we get back.

- John still has moments when he gets discouraged and feels down. And although he wouldn't actually leave, sometimes he just wants to come home. Please pray for him in that area. 

- There was a pastor who came and spoke to the guys and he was showing them pictures on his phone. John said he couldn't remember how to use a phone. Haha. 

- When John got saved last year, he really wanted to be able to go into schools and share his testimony. Teen Challenge is trying to start up a ministry like that where they travel to schools and share with the students. It's still in the works so pray that they will be able to. That would be an incredible ministry. 

- He said that sometimes everyone can get in a weird attitude and everything feels mundane. John and one of his friends were talking and they want to change that. He said he doesn't want TC to be another rehab. 

- John keeps emphasizing that he is done with his family. At first I was worried he was just saying that to please us. But he knows now that they will only bring him down like before. He will always love them but he doesn't want to risk even seeing them once in a while; he won't be able to see them at all. 

- He still is not sure what he wants to do with his life after he finishes the program. But he says he's noticing that the more he prays the more God reveals to him. He had 3 different people he had never met before tell him they could see him in ministry. 

Since we are not able to see each other it's easy for me to overthink things. A lot of times I wonder if it was just all in my head when I thought God told me that we were the ones for each other. Or I'll wonder if I really want to go through this whole journey. And a million other things. 

And then my mom will come home with tons of stories that reassure me that we are definitely soul mates. 

- There's a song that's always reminded me of the life I imagine for me and John. It's called Love Will Be Enough For Us by Dave Barnes. It's such an adorable song. Last week when my mom was visiting him, he told her to tell me to look up a song that he heard called love is enough "or something like that" by Brandon Heath. He said it reminded him of us. Sure enough, it's the same song, but a different version. Coincidence? Not to me. 

- My mom and I wanted to get John a purity/promise ring to wear since he comes across a lot of girls while visiting churches or going door to door. Mom ran it by him and he was so excited about it. He said that he's "tired of explaining to people that he's married" haha. She got to give him the ring on thanksgiving and he was ecstatic. All his buddies make fun of him for having it but doesn't care one bit. 

- He said it's so stupid and cliché but he wonders if when he's looking at the moon, if I'm looking at the moon too. Or if he's reading his bible and praying, if I'm reading my bible and praying. He even thought about getting my mom to tell me to pray at a specific time so it would be like we're praying together. Nice to see that he hasn't lost any of his romantic-ness. 

- There's a story John told me he started to write for me this summer. It's a love story between the sun and the moon and they only get to see each other during an eclipse but it's worth it to them to see each other even for that short time. He got one of his friends on staff to look up all the different facts about eclipses. So John studied a 15 page article and re wrote the story with the scientific facts included. 

- He said that he didn't realize just how much he put me first in his life before. Now he is focusing on God first and getting himself right with Him and then he will worry about me.

- I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but John will get a weekend visit home around his 6 month mark (I may or may not have a countdown on my wall...). During that time he really wants to focus on showing me how sorry he is and for how he treated me. He wants to do whatever he has to to prove himself to me and everyone else he hurt. He also wants to talk about the future: how things will be when he gets out, how we should go about getting married, what he will do for a job, etc. 

a BIG update.

Hey guys. It's been a little while since my last post. And let me tell you A LOT has happened - good, bad, and everything inbetween. But I don't wanna waste any time so I'll get right to it. 

- The reason we didn't give John's location before was to keep his biological family from knowing where he was. Well his family found out when one of John's mom's coworkers saw him somewhere and he was wearing his teen challenge shirt. So we can let the cat out of the bag now. John is at the Seaford location. Yep. The one that's literally like 5 minutes away from my house. God has a sense of humor. You know the saying "so close yet so far away"? Well John is "so close yet... so close". 

Because we didn't say where John was, there were a lot of things we couldn't say since it would have given it away. I think most people assumed he was in Seaford because that's the only one they knew about. Plus, my uncle preaches and teaches there weekly. 

So now we proceed with some exciting updates...

- As many of you may know, my mom has been taking this whole thing harder than I have. I have a very positive outlook and focus on how incredible things will be when all is said and done. While my mom knows that too, she can't help but be sad that he and I can't see or talk to each other, and that he won't be here for Christmas, and many other scenarios. Well. About two weeks ago she got a phone call from a number she didn't recognize. It was John. So far during this process, we knew that I couldn't contact John but we weren't sure about my immediate family. Well, this gave us our answer. They couldn't talk for long but it made my mom's day. He got to apologize to her. 

That weekend of pure hell when he came clean about the drugs, my mom kept crying and she told him that it broke her heart. 

So while they were talking, he said what she said really stuck with him and he told her he was so sorry for breaking her heart. 

My mom cried for a long time after they hung up. 

-The day after my mom's phone call, there was a fundraiser dinner for Teen Challenge that we had tickets for. So, I got to see John. I couldn't talk to him. Just smile and wave from across the room. Odd doesn't even begin to describe it. (Ps. I have also seen him one other time at a concert that benefited TC. Just couldn't say anything.) The table we sat at was close to the guy's tables. And oddly enough there were no people sitting in the line of view between me and John. I'm not going to lie it was a little fun. We kept looking over at each other and giggling. Then we would look away and look back and see each other looking again. I couldn't stop laughing. I was as giddy as when we first started liking each other. 

When the dinner was over my family went over and talked to him. And I stood watching from afar. Again, super strange. They got to talk for about 45 minutes until the guys had to leave. 

This is my favorite thing. 

While John and my mom were talking he told her that there was one thing he could never forget. 

(It was the day after he told us everything. He and I got to spend some time together which was more like torture since he was going through withdrawal and acting like a complete jerk to put it nicely.)

He said one thing was burnt into his memory. I was just laying on the floor crying and crying and I wouldn't stop crying. He tried to pick me up and put me on the couch but I wouldn't let him. And he thought how could I do that to her? To someone I love? He told my mom he never ever ever wants to make me feel that way again. 

That just meant the world to me. That day was the worst day of my life. I would not wish that day on my worst enemy. But it's the moment that I will look back on when this time in our lives is gone and be thankful for how far God has brought both me and John. 

-The Sunday after all of that my mom and dad went to visit him. (Sunday is when they have visiting hours). Since we were at the color run this past Sunday my dad went with my brother.  So. Now that you know all of that stuff. I can fill you in on a lot of little updates. 

-There are a lot of family friends that go and help out at TC and they give us updates along with my uncle and my parents. They say that he is an encourager and an influencer, he has a heart that really loves The Lord, and he is a prayer warrior just to name a couple things. 

-They have a lot of different bible classes in TC and they have to do homework too. John gets his done very fast. The first week he was in, he did a months worth of work books. Since he flies through it, he ends up with extra free time. 

-John is going to be trying out to sing on the praise team in the next month or two.

-He started doing door to door ministry. Sometimes he has a hard time with it since people can be very rude and slam the door in your face. 

-He told my mom that he is done with his family. He will always love them but he knows that they only will bring him down. They do a lot of counseling there and he was able to see that the love they gave him was just a surface love. The love we give him is unconditional. 

-He has been working out which he loves. He has gained 25 pounds in the first two months. It was a pleasant surprise to see my thin little John getting bulky.  Haha. 

See? 

-Around his 6 month mark he will get a weekend leave. We will be able to see each other for the first time then. He's telling all his buddies in there that when he goes home, "I'm gonna take my girl dancin'." He's too adorable. 

-Recently he has been getting migraines and he even threw up the other day. He has never had issues with them before so it's a little strange. Please pray with me that they would go away. 

-He gets picked on by some of the guys who are less enthusiastic about being there. They called him "holier than thou" once and he did something dumb to prove them wrong. So lately I've been praying for him to have wisdom and common sense. He has always lacked both a little bit and I think a big part of it is from doing drugs for years and doing them again recently. 

-Around his 9 month mark there is a good chance I may be able to come in and do some counseling with John and go through the things that happened. 

That seems to be all I have for right now. But now that I can share more, I'll try to give updates more frequently. Thank you all again for your prayers. John has changed so much in just 2 short months it's going to be incredible after a year. 

right there.

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. (Psalm 34:18 MSG)

I've found that verse to be nothing but true during John's time in Teen Challenge so far. There are countless stories of God stepping in and bringing peace, comfort, and joy, but due to certain circumstances I don't share every single one. But there is one specific time that was too incredible not to share with you. 

Last Thursday was my office's Halloween party. If you didnt know, John had also started working for my same company about a month before everything happened. Every fall there is a new group of new hires and John was one of the best out of the group, ask anyone. 

The party mostly consisted of everyone getting group photos or ones with their favorite co workers, etc. There was one time when someone suggested to get a picture of all of the new people from this season. As they all made their way in front of the camera and posed, it made me feel awful. That was strange for me because I have honestly not felt upset or sad a whole lot during this time. But seeing everyone there, without John, who was one of the best, it killed me. I almost began to cry, which if you know me, I don't like to cry in front of anyone. 

I went to the bathroom and got myself together, still feeling pretty miserable but not wanting to burst into tears anymore. I prayed to God knowing He is the only one who can turn things around when I feel this way. I remember saying "God this is so hard. Please please please do something. I don't want to feel like this."

I came out of the bathroom and went to check my phone since I hadn't kept it on me during the party. I had my phone in my hand for a literal two seconds when it vibrated. A text from my Uncle Mark. I figured he would be asking me to do something for church. I've never been more glad to be wrong. 

"Hey Allison I was just talking to John.. He wanted me to tell you hi and that he loves you and wants me to hug you for him :-)"

I screamed. And then if you know me you can guess that the next thing I did was screamed for my mom. Of course she was just as excited as I was. 

That week was one of the more difficult ones. My aunt and uncle visit John every Sunday and always give us the updates. But the Sunday before was our church harvest party, so they couldn't go see him. I had almost been two weeks without hearing anything and it did not do my heart or my mind much good. And i was starting to feel forgotten because he's so excited and into all of his new brothers in Christ there. And since we can't talk it's hard to feel like he still loves me just as much as he always has sometimes. 

But God saw my hurt and was right there with me. I really don't know how there are people in the world who live without Jesus. How do they make it through anything?

Until next time folks!

what i'd say.

The most difficult part of John being in Teen Challenge is not being able to talk. No communication at all other than relayed "love you" messages.

It's especially hard due to the fact that before he went in, we decided we weren't going to plan on being together afterward. If it happened, cool. But we weren't making it a definite thing. I didn't know how everything would pan out. Would he even change? And how could I ever get around to trusting even the little things? There were so many factors.

Since then, I've been seeking what God has for our relationship. Hearing updates on him and how much and how fast he's changing has changed my thought process. God clearly spoke to me last year and told me we were supposed to be with each other. And I believe that God's plan doesn't change just because the devil thinks he can interfere. ["As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good..." Genesis 50:20] As you all know, I was able to get a letter from John a little while ago. He was able to tell me what his outlook was on what would happen in our relationship. I think he put it best when he said "I truly believe that we are meant to be together and until God tells me otherwise, I'm going to keep believing that." Honestly, that is the same thought I had. But here's the catch-John doesn't know that. He doesn't know that God is speaking the same thing to both of us. For all I know, John is still worried I don't want to be with him after all he did. I wish that I could write him and tell him my view of things. But I can't.

There's a song that I heard recently. It's as if it was written specifically for my circumstance. The lyrics perfectly encapsulate all the things- every single thought- I would tell John if I could. This song is my letter to John that I am not allowed to write:

Don't believe, the bridge from you to me, could somehow ever be, washed away.
Don't give in, don't start listening, to voices whispering, things I'd never say.
There is nothing you could do to make me turn my back on you.

You're never too lost to know where the road is, it could be dark, you could be hopeless but
I'll wait 'til you find your way.
You're never too far to be forgotten, here in my heart, I hear you calling so
I'll wait 'til you find your way back home.

The hardest thing, is to just sit waiting, my heart breaking for you.
There's an empty space, where I save your place, knowing that someday, I'll look at you.

You're never too lost to know where the road is, it could be dark, you could be hopeless but

I'll wait 'til you find your way.

You're never too far to be forgotten, here in my heart, I hear you calling so

I'll wait 'til you find your way back home.

And my heart's still hoping, and my arms wide open, I'll never give up this fight.

I know we'll talk like we used to, and we'll walk like we used to, it's just a matter of time.

There is nothing you could do to make me turn my back on you.

Excerpts.

This past weekend was filled with unexpected excitement. My aunt and uncle received a letter from John to give to me. I did not see this coming and it wasn't even something I had been hoping for because the rules are that girlfriends and fiancés aren't allowed to write letters or have any contact for the whole year. Turns out somehow john got special permission to write me. And as the letter is mostly filled with updates, I wanted to share it with you. You who have been praying and joining us in our journey. 

-One thing I noticed right off the bat is that he refers to the other guys in the program as his brothers.

"The guys have been really nice to me here. They took me in like brothers." 

"I have had times where all I can do is cry but I pull myself out of that and my brothers help me with that."

This especially means a lot to me cause he is very close with his biological brothers, so much so that when the pressured him to do drugs, he caved. So the very fact that he calls his fellow teen challenge guys brothers multiple times fills me with joy. That he has found that brotherly relationship, but with Christ like men. He told me they are showing him how to love like Christ and how to walk like Jesus did. He also mentioned a lot that the Holy Spirit is so strong there and that he's relying on God minute by minute. 

-So far during this time I have really been seeking what The Lord has for me and John. Do we stay together? Do we just be friends? I don't want to do the wrong this this time. I know for a fact that God spoke to me and told me we were supposed to be with each other last year. But did we ruin that plan when we strayed off course? And then I read this part of the letter, which made so much sense to me. 

"I'm really praying that God shows me what he has in store for me and you and where we are going to go in our lives. But I truly believe that we are meant to be with each other and until God tells me otherwise then I'm going to keep believing that with all me heart. And me being in here can only help us."

-Last week I was struggling a lot with dwelling on the hurt and the betrayal. It was like as hard as I tried I couldn't think about anything else. All that prompted me to think that John never apologized. I know he did once or twice when we first found everything out, but it was more of an apology cause he didn't like that he upset me. He apologized a few times in the letter but this is my favorite. 

"I want you to be happy and I hope you can be with everything that happened. I should have came out with everything and just told you. I mean, my best friend and I could not be honest with you. I am so sorry Allison. I really do mean that with all my heart. I just wish I could show you somehow but I can't when I'm in here away from you."

-I have constantly wondered what John thinks about our relationship. Is he ok with letting me go if that's where God leads? I honestly have been thinking that he's never going to let go of me if it came to it. 

"I just know everything is going to be okay with us, that's either way if we're together or not. But if The Lord works it out that we are together than our relationship will be strong because God will be first. I love you Allison and even if I'm not with you I will always love you. No matter what. And I should've shown you that love better. I should have shown you love like Christ but I didn't."

I can feel it now. I know that he gets it. Like it finally clicked to him. He knows better now. He knows what and what not to do this next time around assuming there is one. He also said that he prays for me every day out here. That caught me off guard. I didn't think it would cross his mind to pray for me and all the things that I'm dealing with. But I should've known he would. Even with all the bad things he did, he is a thoughtful sweetheart to his core. 

He ends the letter by saying:

"I don't know when I'll see you again but hey you know what I keep telling myself? If we can go this long then you know our love is real. Look at The Notebook, they went years without seeing each other. :) I love you Allison. Keep pushing into God."

-We always said our relationship was like The Notebook. We fought all the time but despite that we were crazy about each other. Just like Noah and Allie. We told each other that if we ever broke up and got together with other people we would still wind up being with each other in the end. Maybe that's true. Either way I think it's super adorable that he referenced that movie. 

So there you have it folks. Thank you for your prayers. I hope you can tell from the excerpts that he is already changing so much just after one month. Imagine the change after one year! It's so gonna be worth the wait. 

I've read this letter many times already since I got it. And over and over one thing keeps coming to my mind. "He's back. He's come home." He strayed far off course and was blinded by his sin. But he is back in God's arms now. I can tell just from one letter that he is the John I first fell in love with. The one who encouraged me in The Lord. The one who was bursting at the seams with the joy of The Lord and what he was doing in his life. 

He's back. 

thankful for a life.

As you can gather from my recent posts, the past few days have been pretty hard on me emotionally. I've really been struggling with the hurt. 

Tonight I watched the episode of Glee where they said goodbye to Finn. Before I share my thoughts, I want to share a memory. A flashback. 

It's July. A Sunday morning. I wake up to hear my mom tell me that Cory Monteith died. I did my research right away. He had been off of drugs but when old friends offered heroin to him that night, he gave in. Hours later he was gone. I remember driving in the car with John that day, listening to the songs Cory sang on glee, my eyes filling up with tears. It was so surreal to me, just like he was a friend. A few days after that, I remember telling John "it was cause he hung out with his old friends! He knew they were bad news! That's why I'm glad you don't hang out with your brothers anymore!"

How little did I know. I sat there mourning the death of someone I didn't know. Meanwhile my fiancé is addicted to the very drug that took his life. And that's exactly how John's story went. He was doing good. And then he hung out with his brothers and they bugged him to do drugs with them. And he gave in. It makes me sick to think about.

But this post is not meant to be sad. It's meant to rejoice. To thank my living God that John's life was not also taken. I honesty don't have words to say how grateful I am that he is still alive. There were so many moments when he could have and should have died. But he didn't. God was truly protecting him. 

Death is irreversible. It's permanent. A ruined wedding is not permanent. Broken trust is not permanent, if you allow it. John was given the opportunity to turn his life around. Cory wasn't so lucky. 

The whole entire time I was watching the show, I wanted so badly to hug John. To hold him so tightly and not let go. To treasure him-alive. To tell him how much I can't explain how thankful I am that he wasn't dead. Dead and in hell for eternity for that matter. 

I'm still unsure of what is all going to happen when John graduates from teen challenge. But either way, I am so thankful that this person I love dearly is still here. I don't have to sit here wishing I could bring him back. I don't have to cry over all of the could-have-beens. 

Lord, thank you for saving John's life. 

"God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. God, you pulled me out of the grave, gave me another chance at life when I was down-and-out." (Psalm 30:2, 3 MSG)

mad.

I want my posts to be honest. I don't want people to think that I'm some strong girl who has no problem at all dealing with my situation. So today I'm going to be honest about my emotions.

I'm mad. So mad. And yes, at John.

The past few days have had me thinking of the reality of what actually happened. It's as if John had two separate lives going on at once. And it makes me mad that he was such a good liar. 

When we were taking out engagement photos, he was on drugs.

On his birthday, when we rescued the kitten, he was on drugs.

When we came close to ending it, or at least taking a break from each other, every time he would promise me things would change and that he would do whatever he had to to be the man I need. He was on drugs all those times.

When I came back from Holland and he hugged me for a couple minutes straight from missing me so bad, he was on drugs.

When our goddaughter was born, he was on drugs. During her baby shower, he was doing drugs in the other room with his brothers.

When we were slipping away from God and started doing devotionals and reading the bible together, he was on drugs.

When we got the keys to our apartment and unpacked all of our stuff, he was on drugs.

 The day we signed our lease and had my bridal shower, he was on drugs.

When we went to the beach and walked the boardwalk, ate ice cream, and dreamed about how we'd be married in a month, he was on drugs.

When we kissed under the fireworks on 4th of July, he was on drugs.

There are so many special moments and memories that we shared. And a majority of them took place while he was addicted to drugs. He always talked about how much he loved me and that I was his world. And I believe I was. I mean, I posted pictures and text messages of it all. I don't believe he was lying about that. But what I can't fathom is how he was so stupid to fall back into that sin. Didn't he think about how it would affect me? There are just too many questions I have for him. Even when we found everything out and I asked him questions like this, he couldn't answer them. He didn't think when he did all of that stuff.

Ouch. The love of your life and you are so controlled by something that they don't even cross your mind?

I don't think it would hurt so much if we could just talk about it. If he could see how much it tears me up. If I could just get some closure about it all. But I can't. Not for 11 more months. So I'm left to try to process all of this alone.

I know that the Lord will heal all of this hurt. And John's hurt too. There is a deeper emotional reason for the things he did. God will heal it all. But I want so badly to go through the healing process together. With the one who was already supposed to be my husband for a month now.

Please pray that I won't let my heart become hard toward John. I don't think it will. And even if it does, it probly won't stay that way when I finally see him. He's just so lovable. But I do not want to sit around and be mad at him for a year. 

Thank you for your prayers.

a word (or a bunch of words) of thanks.

Today is my 20th birthday. And I wanted to take this time to tell everyone thank you.

No, not for the tons of happy birthday messages. But for the tons of heartfelt messages I've received over the past few weeks.

To state the obvious, these past couple of weeks have been hard. They've been hard on me, on my mom, my family, and I'm sure that they've been hard on John too. When I decided to share the whole story, I was not expecting so many people to respond to it, especially in the way that they did. I thought people would hear the story and pity me thinking "that poor girl, she is so stupid for ending up in that situation". I thought people who knew John would have an awful opinion of him, knowing how much he lied to everyone. The list goes on of what my imagination thought. 

But I was wrong. I received nothing but support and prayers. And through my willingness to open up and share, God started working in incredible ways.

So today, I want to say thank you.

To my mom for being there for me to lean on. For sleeping with me the first few nights because I didn't want to be alone. For being able to cry together. For not telling me "I told you so" which she had every right to do. I love you!

Thank you to my family for sticking by me and for your prayers. You've been there to offer advice, to invite me to hang out and do things to keep my mind off of the bad things, and to hug me when I needed it the most.

 To my best friends, Amy and Emmy. For being there every time even though our relationships have slacked off recently. For making me laugh and just having someone to talk to when I felt lonely. For being there to hear me be sad and to hear me burst at the seams with joy during other times.

To my church family for checking in on me. For sharing their hearts with me. For encouraging me. And for praying with me and for me. I am so thankful for a church that is like family.

To my coworkers for putting up with me calling out of work. For listening to all my drama. For making me laugh in a way only they can. And for never telling me to shut up cause all they hear about is John. I love my team.

To my TeenPact friends. The ones who are my best friends, the ones I've talked to a few times, and the ones I've technically never even met. Your heartfelt words touched me. And I was so comforted by all of you taking time to share your thoughts, encouragement, and your own stories of hard times. You have told me you were praying for things that I didn't even think of. And you've encouraged me by sharing how my story is encouraging you. I can always count on my TeenPacters! Allison Kelly Peanut Butter and Jelly loves you all. :)

To the Heejunies (fans of Heejun) who only know me through my mom and her many tweets to Heejun. You've been praying and sharing Bible verses and words of encouragement to someone you don't even know and that is incredible. I hope to be able to meet you someday and if not, we will meet in heaven someday. That is so awesome.

To everyone we met on our missions trip to Holland, thank you for your prayers. It is so incredible to know there are people literally across the world keeping us in prayer and thinking of us. You are all so sweet and I am so glad God allowed us to meet. Ik ben zo dankbaar voor u! Heel hartelijk bedankt. :)

To my family, best friends, my church, coworkers, TeenPacters, heejunies, family friends, old friends, acquaintances, and friends and family of people we know, and anyone else I may have forgotten:

Your prayers have been felt. I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I am definitely blessed. 

I can't wait to see what the Lord does in this situation. And I can't wait for you all to see it too.

Thank you.

impatience.

I have NEVER been a patient person. 

I get excited about things easily and the time ticking down until them seems like an eternity, however long or short the length of time. 

I've always prayed for patience. Honesty time: I don't care to be a patient person, I just hate the waiting. So basically I've just prayed to not dread the waiting period. 

It's been said that if you ask God for patience, He won't give you patience - He will give you opportunities to grow that patience. 

My, how I regret those prayers for patience. 

Well, God saw fit to give me a whole year to practice this patience that I wanted to have - when my wedding got postponed and my fiancé admitted his addiction to drugs and then entered teen challenge. God has a sense of humor. 

I just get sooo impatient thinking about this next year. I know God will do incredible things beyond what I could even imagine. I know God is going to change John completely. I know God will change me completely through this. 

Relationships will be restored. Hearts will be healed. Forgiveness will be given. Dreams and plans will come about. Many, many changes to come. And they're all good. So good, it's killing me to know it'll be a year for those to come to completion. I just wish it was next year already so I could see the fruit of what God is doing! It's killing me to wait. 

A friend of mine posted this verse on Facebook today and I saw it right after I was talking to God about this whole patience thing. 

"Better is the end of a thing than the beginning of it, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit." (Ecclesiastes 7:8 AMP)

I know that the end of this story will be better than the beginning of it. And during this story, with the grace of God, I will become patient in spirit. That is my prayer. 

the smile that answered everything.

This is a long introduction, but it's necessary to make my point. 

My favorite thing about John is his smile. The look of his face when he does that little giggle of his gets me every time. 

But the thing about John is that he does not smile naturally in pictures. Ask anyone who knows him. We have to retake almost every picture because the first time, to be honest, he looks like he's pooping. 

When he first got saved and moved in with my aunt and uncle, there were a couple pictures taken of him where he had this radiant smile. I'm guessing it's from the joy of his life being dramatically changed. So when I first met John, he had a buzz cut and smiled in pictures. 

Somewhere along the line of our relationship and his job and just life as it went on, he became incapable of giving a real smile in pictures. I will never understand that. My mom took a photo op almost every moment of my life so I can't wrap my mind around people who can't smile naturally in pictures. (My apologies if that offends you). 

When I got home from church this Sunday, I was miserable. Not your usual reaction to church right? Well it's been a year since I've been at church without John there. It was lonely. I missed him bad. I sat on my couch without the will or energy to do anything except feel miserable. I talked to God: "I feel horrible and like this won't ever end. You have to send me some encouragement or peace or anything to make this feeling stop."

Not even five minutes later, my phone went off. I opened it up to a picture of John. You may be thinking "whoop de do". But here's the thing - in this picture, John was smiling. Not a laugh-smile that comes from you trying to get him to smile. Not that poop face smile. A natural smile. And his hair had been cut to a buzz cut. 

I was looking at the old John. The one I first fell in love with. The one with a contagious joy. I felt it just from seeing that picture of him. John was back. I got teary eyed and would have actually cried but I was to busy screaming for my mom to come look. 

This past week was torture. It was filled with not knowing. Not knowing what he was thinking, what he was struggling with. Wondering if he was changing or opening his heart. I didn't know if he was miserable from missing me. Fear and anxiety took me over. 

So many questions went unanswered. But that simple smile told me everything I needed to know. That picture, it was worth so much more than a thousand words. 

(Psalm 43:5 MSG)- ... He puts a smile on my face, he's my God.

Thank you, Lord for putting that smile on his face! And thank you, Lord for hearing my prayer!

"You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I’m about to burst with song; I can’t keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can’t thank you enough." (Psalm 30:11,12 MSG)

for those who have been asking...

This may come as a shock to you but not as much as it was to me. 

We found out last week that John has been addicted to drugs since may. If you know his story, you know that he was addicted to them before he got saved. A few months after he got saved he started seeing his family more (his brothers are on drugs) and a few more months after that they kept bugging him to do it with them and he just wasn't strong enough to say no. His mom even knew about his problem and even covered for him and gave him more money when he was low  and said that he lent her money for rent. For almost all of our engagement he has been on drugs and lying about so many things. He thought it was something he could over come on his own. At church you could tell his sincerity but I had no idea of the battle he was fighting. I don't know exactly what it was that made him come clean. It might have been the fact that we caught on to a few of his lies and he knew he couldn't cover them anymore. But he desperately wanted help and he has gone into teen challenge, a year long Christian rehab. (We are not allowed to share which location has been sent to.) During this time he can only have contact with immediate family and since his family is all on drugs, my uncle mark and aunt christine will take their place since he has been living with them for the past year. 

Since we are only engaged and not married, I can have no contact with him for a year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. The only way of contact is by my aunt and uncle relaying messages and even that is limited. That is where I need the most prayer. To have patience. To not become bitter.  To trust that God will truly change him and not allow john to turn back to that life again. To decide whether or not we should even still stay together (we have known each other just under a year and he will be gone for a year). To not miss his so much every day. To be able to trust again (whether it be him or a different relationship).

On top of all this, we need someone to take over our apartment lease so we don't get evicted and owe a TON of money that we do not have. Please pray that I will have peace. 

I am just a whirlwind of emotion. One minute I am at peace, the next feeling like I can't breathe from all this anxiety. I was and am completely blown away by how many of you have said you were praying for me and sent me encouraging messages and texts. There is no way to express how much that means to me. I bet you didn't know just how horrible this situation was did you? Haha. (I have learned to laugh at the situation at times because it's just so pitiful)

I believe that God is working in unexpected ways in this situation. And not just for me and John but for my family and other people involved. We all love john very much and though he has made countless terrible decisions, we know that the devil had been controlling him in his addiction. I am so grateful to my lord for working in his life even when he was on the drugs. He could have over dosed, got in a car accident, or a deal could have gone bad. I know my God has incredible plans for John, whether it be with or without me (even though I'm reaaaaaally hoping it's with me). 

This week, I read the book "You'll Get Through This" by Max Lucado. It looks into the story of Joseph. It has helped me tremendously this past week. When Joseph says "you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good", the word used for "meant" is a word that means "to weave". Satan weaves, God reweaves. I'm resting in that. 

What satan intended for evil, God intends for good. 

bragging.

just thought i'd take a few moments to tell you about a guy named john.

i met john in october. 

well technically, we met back in 2007, but it was just once and he doesn't remember it at all.

eventually we started to like each other. it was inevitable. everyone knew we were gonna end up together.

it was like this: i liked him. he liked me. he didn't know i liked him. i wasn't positive he liked me. but i just had the feeling that we were gonna get together at some point. he thought i had no idea he liked me. i thought he knew i liked him because to everyone else on earth, it was obvious.

one day i had a birthday party. after opening up my gifts, john put his arm around me and walked me over to the corner. 

here's a glimpse of my stomach and brain at this point:

ADHJFNA;SHIRUHAWNFHAOUGHH;OSEYH;F;AHIGHA;OHW;RYU92YOYHOHAL

P.S. here's us at the party:

he said he had a gift for me but it was somewhere else. he told me a riddle and i had to solve it to figure out where my gift was. after some questions i found out my gift was on my bed at my house. so for the next two hours of my birthday party, i cared about nothing else than hopping in my car and getting my butt home. and when i finally did, this was waiting for me. 

those flowers are gerber daisies. which in an earlier conversation i mentioned were my favorite. it had a card that said *front* "on your birthday i'd like to give you the world..." *inside* "...but my heart will have to do." he also wrote some adorable stuff inside that made me smile for days.

from there, we got serious about getting to know each other with the intention of dating sometime soon. there was a lot of teasing, wrestling, and long talks. there was also a love letter. i've never gotten one of those before. :) i won't can't tell you what it said because someone (john) doesn't want me telling everyone.

so i'm all like "this guy wins the award for being the most adorable, sweetest, thoughtful boy to ever walk the face of this earth."

after about a month, i knew it was coming. he was gonna ask me to be his girlfriend. but when? it made me 20 times more nervous to be around him cause it could happen at any moment.

well, good things happen when you least expect them right? right.

so december 9th, after prayer group at our church on sunday night, in the middle of mcdonald's in delmar, delaware (we were sitting in the literal middle of mcdonald's), john asked me to be his girl. and it was one of the funniest, most memorable moments of my life.

he said he wanted to wait until we took the trip to spruce lake, but he couldn't wait. and i didn't care. 

excited, i called my mom to tell her since she always wants to talk. 

no answer.

"i'll text emmy, she's always on her phone" no reply.

"ok, christa will be so excited for me" no answer.

"i have to tell amy" no answer.

i would like to thank my cousin christina for being the only person to answer their phone when something good happens to me.

since then, life's been as jolly as jolly can get.

and everyday he gets sweeter and romantic-er. (no, i don't care that romantic-er is not a word)

for christmas he got me a pair of gorgeous earrings and a quaint little book with little diary entries, song lyrics, and letters he'd written since the day he asked me to be his.

somedays it feels like i'm living in a movie. sort of like a nicholas sparks one, minus someone dying. how'd i get so blessed? i can't even tell you how much joy he brings me. it blows my mind that a person as beautiful as him wants to be with me. like seriously, the boy looks at me like the sun shines out of my bum and i can't fathom why. so, to all the boys who led me on and the ones who broke my heart, thank you from the bottom of my heart. cause if we were still together, i would have never known what it feels like to be treated like a girl should, like a princess. i would have never had the absolute pleasure of knowing johnathan matthew shaver.

i just had to write this and brag on him. i'm the luckiest girl in the world. and he's the cutest thing ever. and to toot my own horn, i think we are freaking adorable together. 

"you're more than a lover, there could never be another, to make me feel the way you do. and ohhh we just get closer, i fall in love all over, every time i look at you. i don't know where i'd be, without you here with me. life with you makes perfect sense, you're my best friend."

to do list: 2013 edition

if you know me at all, you know i'm a list maker.

my life feels dull when i don't make lists.

i think the whole idea of "new years resolutions" is rather cliche. and i'm not a fan of cliche. but since i fancy list-making, i put down on paper some goals and adventures i'm hoping to take part in over this next year of life.

*dye my hair ombre.

exactly like this ^

*visit my best friend, Emmy who lives in New Hampshire and Massachusetts (yes, both), because she goes on millions of adventures.

like alice in wonderland themed photo shoots^

and she has whimsical places like this^

*road trip to Richmond, VA with this gorgeous boy:

to see my TeenPact friends and go to Busch Gardens

*start a fashion blog. i'm now accepting name suggestions. (hint hint i'm desperate seriously help me)

*start exercising. 

i want abs.

i also want to be able to fight back when john and i play wrestle. currently, he just grabs my hands and holds me there and i can't get out of it, leaving me helpless.

like this^

*get serious about selling Mary Kay makeup. 

i'm officially a beauty consultant, so if you need makeup, i'm your girl.

*pay cash for more, instead of using my debit card.

*grow my photography business.

*blog at least once a month.

even if the post is two sentences. not posting will not do.

*start saving money.

for traveling and...other things.

*learn how to cook.

when i eventually get married, i'll have to cook dinner. and the proverbs 31 woman does her husband good all the days of her life. so in short, by learning to cook, i'm doing my husband good.

*get a new camera lens: nikkor 24-85mm f/2.8

friends and family: keep me accountable, cause i am serious about doing every single one of these.